Confessions of a Shopaholic (TheBenOyler Style)

Synopsis
In this video, Timon fast-forwards the entire Confessions of a Shopaholic movie and they want to tell Graham his story to Pumbaa. Timon goes way back to the beginning of the movie. At the end, Timon's mom decides to rewind the whole movie.

Airings
February 13, 2009 (Theaters)

June 23, 2009 (DVD)

October 10, 2018 (Confessions of a Shopaholic 1½, on DVD and Only in TheBenOyler on YouTube)

Timon and Pumbaa at the Cinema: Confessions of a Shopaholic
{The video begins with the Fox Searchlight Pictures logo.}

Timon: Well, enough of that. {He holds up a remote control and begins fast-forwarding through the movie}

{Camera pulls back to show Timon and Pumbaa in silhouette in a row of theater seats, Mystery Science Theater 3000-style.}

Pumbaa: Uh... Timon, what are you doing?

Timon: I'm fast-forwarding to the part where we come in!

Pumbaa: {aghast} But you can't go out of order!

Timon: Au contraire, my porcine pal. I've got the remote!

Pumbaa: But everyone's gonna get confused! {He grabs a second, bigger remote} We gotta go back to the beginning of the story. {He begins rewinding the movie}

Timon: We're not in the beginning of the story! {He pauses the movie on Rebecca with a monkey screech, the movie begins fast-forwarding again}

Pumbaa: Yes, we were! The whole time. {rewinds; the film reverses on a shot of Rebecca in her cab with a squawk of confusion}

Timon: Yeah, but they don't know that! {indicates the audience; switches the movie direction again, on the hotel, with a lion-roar sound}

Pumbaa: Then why don't we tell them our story? {pauses the movie on a snarling close-up of Graham; Timon and Pumbaa both shriek and dive under their seats}

Timon: {slowly re-emerging} Hey, I got an idea. Why don't we tell him our story?

Pumbaa: Oh, I like the sound of that.

Timon: A little backstage tour. Take 'em behind the scenes for a revealing and intimate look at the story within the story!

Pumbaa: 'Cause what they don't know is how we really were there even though they didn't know we were there, you know?

Timon: Couldn't have said it better myself! {rewinds the movie again}

Pumbaa: So does this mean we're going back to the beginning?

Timon: {melodramatically} Oh, no, Pumbaa. No. We're going way back... to before the beginning.

When I Was Young...
Timon: Pumbaa, why is Rebecca so hot? She's my partner!

Pumbaa: The only reason why Rebecca has his first job.

Timon: Oh, sure. She has his first job, that's for sure. And what about us mannequins? Where I come from we didn't have nothin' to be proud of. Why: {clears throat; singing} When I was a young mannequin...

Pumbaa: {singing} When he was a young MANNEQUIN...! {blows Timon off his seatback}

Timon: {peevishly} Very nice.

Pumbaa: Thanks!

Timon: But maybe it'd be safer if I just show 'em where I came from.

Pumbaa: Oh, boy! Do we get to see where you grew up?

Timon: Yeah, Pumbaa. But it ain't pretty.

Pumbaa Sitting on the Remote
{Confessions of a Shopaholic is interrupted by Miss March.}

Timon: Hey, what's going on? Pumbaa, you're sitting on the remote!

Pumbaa: Huh? Oh, sorry. I thought it was a brownie.

No Fortune Cookies
Timon: How convenient. Enter omniscient local spokesperson right on cue.

Pumbaa: Well, you know what they say. When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

Timon: That's it. No more fortune cookies for you. {Timon clicks the remote; the movie resumes.}

Look Fat
Pumbaa: You really think I look fat?

Timon: {sighs} Pumbaa, Pumbaa, Pumbaa. You're a pig! It's a compliment.

Pumbaa: Thank you.

Pumbaa Pauses Confessions of a Shopaholic to Get Some Grubs
Pumbaa: You mind if I pause it for a second?

Timon: Sure, go ahead!

Pumbaa: Be right back. {walks off of his seat leaving Timon alone, but picks his nose and turns back and forth, and puts it on the seat and comes back} Okay, I brought you a Jumbo so we can share! {notices Timon} Were you just picking your nose?

Timon: No. I had an itch on the inside!

Timon Crying
Pumbaa: Timon, are you crying?

Timon: I'm fine! {sobs} I just have something in my eye!

Pumbaa: Here, blow.

Timon: {blows his nose with his own tissue and hands it} Here, Pumbaa.

Pumbaa: Gee, thanks!

Timon: Okay. I'm better!

Where's The Grub?
Timon: {quietly} Pumbaa... where's the grub?

Pumbaa: Puhh. {opens his mouth; the ladybug staggers out, all mauled up}

Timon: {exasperated} Ohhh. You just can't help yourself, can you?

Pumbaa: Sorry.

Timon: Okay... but this time, show a little self control.

Running
Timon: What is with the running? If you can call that running.

Pumbaa: I was giving you time to catch up!

Timon: You big lug.

Timon and Pumbaa Rewind Confessions of a Shopaholic
Timon: {narrating as the camera continues to truck out, ending with the silhouettes and the theater seats} Well, that's it. The big wrap-up, the happy ending, the grand finale.

Pumbaa: {whimpering} It's over already?

Timon: Well, Pumbaa. That's the thing about endings. They come at the end.

Pumbaa: {brightening} Ooh! Can we watch it again?

Timon: Pumbaa, we just saw it. Maybe tomorrow.

Ma: {entering in silhouette} Hey, what are you guys doing? {gasps as she sees the screen} You didn't tell me you were watching the movie! I wanna watch too!

Timon: Ma, we just finished. Show's over.

Ma: Well, you're just gonna have to rewind it! {She grabs Pumbaa's big remote and begins rewinding.}

Timon: {pained} Ma!

Ma: {calling offscreen} Uncle Max! We're gonna watch the movie!

Timon: {despairing} Oh, no!

Uncle Max: {entering, carrying a box of popcorn} Hey, I brought extra butter.

Simba: {entering, walking along the seatbacks} Hey, you guys are watching the movie?

Rafiki: {swinging in on vines} Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo! Any story worth telling is worth telling twice.

{The silhouette of Mickey Mouse walks in and sits down.}

Timon: What the...

{Snow White comes in, followed by the Dwarfs.}

Snow White: Oh, excuse me...

Happy: 'Scuse me.

Sneezy: 'Scuse me.

Doc: 'Scuse me.

Sleepy: 'Scuse me.

Bashful: 'Scuse me.

Grumpy: Get outta the way.

Timon: Who is this crowd?

{The Genie flies in and sits down in the middle, followed by Aladdin and Jasmine on the flying carpet; Belle, the Beast, Mrs. Potts and Chip, Lady and the Tramp, and the Hippo from "Fantasia" are also seated in this row.}

Timon: Hey, down in front!

{In another row, Goofy, the Mad Hatter, the March Hare, and Donald Duck are sitting; Stitch crawls down the wall and jumps from head to head until he gets to a vacant seat.}

Stitch: Oho!

Goofy: Gawrsh!

Stitch: Aloha!

Donald Duck: {unintelligible squawking; he makes fists at Stitch}

{In still another row, Quasimodo and Pocahontas sit at opposite ends of the row; Peter Pan flies in, followed by Tinker Bell, and imitates a rooster's crow. The Lost Boys all pile in, shouting. Switch to Timon's row, where he's holding two large bodies apart to keep them from squashing him.}

Timon: Watch it! {straining} Unnnh!

{Timon's row has Terk, Dumbo, Brer Bear, Mowgli, Baloo, the three gargoyles, and the three fairy godmothers from "Sleeping Beauty"; Terk and Victor the gargoyle squeeze together, and Timon squirts out from between them like a watermelon seed. He lands next to Pumbaa as the movie, still rewinding, nears the beginning.}

Timon: {resigned} Okay, buddy. You win.

Pumbaa: Sure you don't mind?

Timon: {sincere} Confessions of a shopaholic. {stops rewinding and sees the Fox Searchlight Pictures logo again}

Pumbaa: But Timon... {fades to darkness} I still don't do so well in crowds!