Shrek (The Simpsons Crossover Movie)/Quotes

For this topic, see "Shrek (The Simpsons Crossover Movie)".

Quote 1

 * [The theme song begins to play normally, Bart is using a paintbrush painting "I will not paint the whole school green" on the chalkboard full of green paint. The school bell rings and Bart runs away. Then Lisa plays her saxophone "On the Road Again". Homer parks the garage passing Bart and Lisa then runs away to head inside avoiding Marge in her car. The entire family sat down to look like in green and ogre form. Cut to TV reading "Created by Matt Groening" and "Developed by James L. Brooks, Matt Groening and Sam Simon" in green/ogre form, then cuts to green screen.]
 * Narrator: Thanks for joining us for the theme song. And now, our feature presentation!
 * [The movie starts as the 20th Century Fox logo plays normally. The music plays with the opening credits "TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX PRESENTS" and "A GRACIE FILMS PRODUCTION".]

Quote 2

 * [The fairytale book opens it, starting the movie.]
 * Homer: [as Shrek, the narrator] Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. [flips page] But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. [flips another page] She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. [flips page number three] Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. [flips page one last time] She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. [Then, Shrek rips the page, closing the book.] Like that's never gonna happen! What a load of… [A sound of toilet flushing is heard, then Shrek (as Homer) comes out of the toilet, as the song "All Star" begins to play.]

Quote 3

 * Ogre Hunter #2: There he is. Let's get him!
 * Ogre Hunter #1: Woah, hold on! Do you know what that thing can do to you?
 * Ogre Hunter #3: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread!
 * Homer: [as Shrek] Never fear, everyone. My name is Shrek. And you will not hunt me. Why? Because, actually, that would be a giant! Now, ogres - oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
 * Ogre Hunter #4: [waving the torch at Shrek] Back, beast! Back! I warned you! [Shrek licks his fingers, extinguishing his torch.] Right! Now, do the roar.
 * Homer: [as Shrek] Yes, sir. [roars at villagers very loudly, the fire goes off] Problem solved. Happy now? [they nod] Now, here's my secret. [whispers to villagers] This is the part where you run away. [the villagers do] Yeah. And stay out! [picks up a piece of paper] Wanted: Fairy Tale Creatures. What does that mean? [drops it] Whatever, I'll just start walking.

Quote 4

 * Gippetto: I got a wooden, little puppet.
 * Lenny (as Pinocchio): I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy! (grows his nose)
 * Captain of Guards: 5 shillings for the possessed toy. Take him away. Next! Whatcha got?
 * Old Woman: Well, I've got a talking donkey.
 * Captain of Guards: Right. Well, that's good for 10 shillings if you can prove it.
 * Old Woman: [removing the rope] Now go ahead, little fella.
 * Bart: [as Donkey] How's this? Do I look like I can speak with his first lines?
 * Captain of Guards: Well?
 * Old Woman: Oh, he's just really nervous. And he's quite a chatterbox. And he is saying… [mocks voice] I can talk, and I love to talk. I love the talkingest damn thing I have ever saw!
 * Bart: [as Donkey] Oh, really?
 * Captain of Guards: No. Not really. Okay, you know what? That's 7 shillings for an old lady and a donkey. Guards, get her out of my sight!
 * Old Woman: No! What are you doing? I swear! Don't arrest me! (kicks cage and landed on top of his head)
 * Bart: [as Donkey] Hey, I can fly!
 * Peter Pan: He can fly!
 * Three Pigs: Yeah, Donkey flies!
 * Captain of Guards: He can talk!
 * Bart: [as Donkey] That's right, fool. And I'm a flying, talking donkey. Might've seen a housefly. Maybe even a superfly. But you ain't never seen a donkey fly. [notices running out of gravity] Uh-oh. [lands on the ground]

Quote 5

 * Bart: [as Donkey] Then I ate some rotten berries, I had some strong gases seeping out of my butt that day.
 * Homer: [as Homer] Why are you following me?
 * Bart: [as Donkey] I'll tell you why. (singing) Because I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me! My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you got to have friends…
 * Homer: [as Homer, interrupt's Donkey's song] Stop singing! There's no wonder if you don't have any friends.

Quote 6

 * Bart: [as Donkey] I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

Quote 7

 * Bart: [as Donkey] This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swapping manly stories and in the morning, I'm making waffles. [a "ding" sound is heard] Also, your food is ready. [eats them] Mmm…homestyle waffles. [drools]
 * Homer: [as Shrek] Hey! That is my catchphrase!
 * Bart: [as Donkey] But I worked so hard in the swamp, but where do I sleep?
 * Homer: [as Shrek] Outside!

Quote 8

 * Homer: [as Shrek] Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
 * Bart: [as Donkey] I know where he is!
 * Homer: [as Shrek] Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? Anyone?

Quote 9

 * [Thelonious brings out an empty glass to get milk and pour it in as Artie Ziff (as Lord Farquaad) approaches. The guards move aside and Artie Ziff (as Lord Farquaad) opens them.]
 * Artie: [as Farquaad] Good evening. I'm Lord Farquaad. Welcome to my room. Shrek and he are on a whirlwind-big city adventure, and say hello to Mr. Thelonious, he is here to watch you, on Gingy. Gingy? Gingy? [sees Thelonious dipping Gingy in milk] That's enough! He's ready to talk. [Gingy (as Rod) is on a tray, getting Artie (as Farquaad) his attention.] Run run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me…I AM THE GINGERBREAD MAN!
 * Gingy: [as Rod] You're a monster.
 * Artie: [as Farquaad] I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?
 * Gingy: [as Rod] Eat me!
 * Artie: [as Farquaad] Ew, that's disgusting. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is, I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll…
 * Gingy: [as Rod] No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.
 * Artie: [as Farquaad] All right then. Who's hiding them?
 * Gingy: [as Rod] Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the Muffin Man?

Quote 10

 * Artie: [as Farquaad, approaching Magic Mirror] Mirror Mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
 * Magic Mirror: Well, technically, you're not a king. [Thelonious breaks the mirror.] Now, I mean to say is, you're not a king yet. But all you have to do is marry a princess.
 * Artie: [as Farquaad] Go on.

Quote 11

 * Homer: [as Shrek] That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

Quote 12

 * Homer: [as Shrek] Oh, must be know where the Princess is. But, where's the…
 * Bart: [as Donkey] DRAGON!!!!

Quote 13

 * Bart: [as Donkey encountering Dragon] Oh, what large teeth you have! [Dragon roars] I mean, white sparkly teeth! I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach or something 'cause that's one dazzling smile you got there! And do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know something, you're... A girl dragon... Oh, sure, I mean of COURSE you're a girl dragon! You're just reeking of feminine beauty and... hey, what's the matter with you, you got somethin' in your eye? [Dragon blows out a heart-shaped cloud of smoke] Ohh... well, you know, I gotta go. I'm an asthmatic, I don't hold with smoke rings and stuff. SHREK! [Dragon picks Donkey up and carries him away] Help! Shrek! Shrek, help me!

Quote 14

 * [After Homer (as Shrek) landed in Fiona's bedroom, he approaches slowly, he uses his arms instead.]
 * Homer: [as Shrek] Wake up! Are you Princes Fiona?
 * Mindy: [as Princess Fiona] Yes. I am awaiting a knight so bold to rescue me.

Quote 15

 * Mindy: [as Princess Fiona] Just remove your helmet.
 * Homer: [as Shrek] Look, I really don't think that's a good idea.
 * Mindy: [as Princess Fiona] Take off the helmet.
 * Homer: [as Shrek] I'm not going to.
 * Mindy: [as Princess Fiona] Take it off.
 * Homer: [as Shrek] NO!
 * Mindy: [as Princess Fiona] NOW!
 * Homer: [as Shrek] Okay! Easy. As you command, your Highness. [removes helmet]

Quotes 16

 * Bart: [as Donkey] Oh, it's another one of those onion things, isn't it?
 * Homer: [as Shrek] No. This is one of those "drop it and leave it alone" things!

Quote 17

 * Monsieur Hood: Oh, Merry Men!
 * [The music number starts as Merry Men came out of the bushes.]
 * Merry Men: [singing] Ta da, da da da da - whoo!
 * Monsieur Hood: I steal from the rich and give to the needy…
 * Merry Man: He takes a wee percentage…
 * Monsieur Hood: But I'm not greedy - I rescue pretty damsels, man I'm good!
 * Merry Men: What a guy, ha ha, Monsieur Hood!
 * Monsieur Hood: Break it down…
 * [Merry Men Irish step dance]
 * Monsieur Hood: I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid…
 * Merry Men: What he's basically saying is he likes to get…
 * Monsieur Hood: Paid! (they form a star)
 * Monsieur Hood: So, when an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad.
 * Merry Man: [joining in] That's bad, that's bad, that's bad!
 * Monsieur Hood: When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad!
 * Merry Men: He's mad, he's really, really mad!
 * Monsieur Hood: Now I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys, 'Cause I'm about to start…

[Fiona (as Mindy) swoops in and kicks him in the crotch - the music stops]
 * Mindy: [as Princess Fiona] Man, that was annoying.

Quote 18

 * Bart: [as Donkey] Blue flower, red thorns, blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color blind. Blue flower, red thorns, blue flower, red thorns… [hears Shrek (as Homer) saying "Ow!" calling out his name] Hang on, Shrek! I'm coming!

Quote 19

 * Homer: [as Shrek] Hold the phone.

Quote 20

 * Bart: [as Donkey] [heading inside the creepy, dark shed] Princess? Where are you? Princess Fiona? Oh. Hey there, spiderweb. Princess? Princess? Look, water. [licks it] [using catchphrase] H2O. [drools] Hey, uh, Princess Fiona? Princess? It's pretty spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. [Just as Mindy (as Fiona) fell to the ground, it became an ogre. Donkey (as Bart) could not believe his eyes.] Yikes! You ate the princess! You don't look like a princess at all! You're an ogre! Why? Because you had didn't eat a lot of weed rats yesterday! Big question. Do ogres have green paint in their bodies?
 * Mindy: [as Fiona in ogre form, face-palming in embarrassment] Yes, Donkey. I AM the princess! It's me, in this body. I have ears. [touches her ears] I look so ugly I didn't even use a lot of green paint.
 * Bart: [as Donkey] Ew, that's stinky! Princess, what happened to you? You are not a human anymore. You are an ogre. Just like a male self who can name him Shrek. And you look different!
 * Mindy: [as Fiona in ogre form] Look, I'm ugly. Okay?
 * Bart: [as Donkey, nodding his head a "yes"] Yeah! What was it, something you ate? I told Shrek those weedrats were a bad idea!
 * Mindy: [as Fiona in ogre form, shaking his head] Uh, no. It's been this way as long as I can remember.
 * Bart: [as Donkey] What d'you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before!
 * Mindy: [as Fiona in ogre form] It only happens when the sun goes down.

[looks at her reflection in a water barrel] "By night one way, by day another / Thus shall be the norm / Till you receive true love's kiss / then, take love's true form."
 * Bart: [as Donkey] That's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry!
 * Mindy: [as Fiona in ogre form] It's a spell! When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this, this horrible ugly beast! I was placed in the tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad before the sun sets, and he sees me... like this.
 * Bart: [as Donkey] Okay, okay, calm down. It's not so bad. You're not that ugly... well, you are. I ain't gonna lie, you ARE ugly. But you only look like this at night, Shrek's ugly 24/7!
 * Mindy: [as Fiona in ogre form] But Donkey, I'm a princess! And this is not how a princess is supposed to look!
 * Bart: [as Donkey] How about you don't marry Farquaad?
 * Mindy: [as Fiona in ogre form] I have to. Only the true love's kiss can break the spell.
 * Bart: [as Donkey] Well, you're kind of an ogre. And you and Shrek, well, you got a lot in common.

Quote 21

 * Mindy: [as Fiona in ogre form removing her pedals] I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him!

Quote 22

 * Artie: [as Farquaad] Would you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

Quote 23

 * Homer: [as Shrek] Donkey? What are you doing?
 * Bart: [as Donkey] I would think of all people you would recognize a wall when you see one.
 * Homer: [as Shrek] Yes, but the wall is supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.

Quote 24

 * Homer: [as Shrek] Back off!
 * Bart: [as Donkey] No. You back off.
 * Homer: [as Shrek] This is my swamp, you stubborn jackass!
 * Bart: [as Donkey] That is our swamp, you smelly ogre!
 * Homer: [as Shrek] Fine!
 * Bart: [as Donkey] Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.
 * Homer: [as Shrek] Well, I'm through with you.
 * Bart: [as Donkey following Shrek (as Homer)] Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.
 * Homer: [as Shrek] Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?
 * Bart: [as Donkey] Because that's what friends do, and they forgive each other.
 * Homer: [as Shrek] That's right, Donkey. I forgive you…FOR STABBING ME IN THE BACK!
 * Bart: [as Donkey] D'oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.
 * Homer: [as Shrek offscreen] Go away.
 * Bart: [as Donkey] There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.
 * Homer: [as Shrek offscreen] Love me? But she said I was ugly, a hideous creature.

Quote 25

 * Homer: [as Shrek] So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
 * Bart: [as Donkey] What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?
 * Homer: [as Shrek] The wedding! We'll never make it in time!

Quote 26

 * Bishop: We're gathered here today for a handsome prince named Lord Farquaad…
 * Mindy: [as Fiona, interrupting the Bishop's sentence] Could we just skip ahead to the "I Do"'s?
 * Artie: [as Farquaad] Yeah. Go on.

Quote 27

 * Bart: [as Donkey] Shrek! Hold up, Shrek! You got to wait for the line!
 * Homer: [as Shrek] [about to burst into the cathedral] What are you talking about?
 * Bart: [as Donkey] The line, the line you gotta wait for: the priest's gonna say "Speak now or forever hold your piece", and you rush in and say "I object!"
 * Homer: [as Shrek] Oh, I don't have time for all that. [Shrek tries to open the doors, but Donkey (as Bart) runs forward, blocking him.]
 * Bart: [as Donkey] You love this woman, don't ya?
 * Homer: [as Shrek] Yes.
 * Bart: [as Donkey] You wanna hold her?
 * Homer: [as Shrek] Yes.
 * Bart: [as Donkey] PLEASE HER?!?
 * Homer: [as Shrek] YES!
 * Bart: [as Donkey] (singing) Then you got to, got to try a little TENDERNESS! The chicks love that romantic crap.
 * Homer: [as Shrek] All right, cut it out! When does this guy say the line?
 * Bart: [as Donkey] We gotta check that out. [start jumping, noticing Shrek creating a trampoline by his hands seeing a bishop announcing love births in the window] They're at the altar. [gasps] Mother Fletcher! He already said it!
 * Homer: [as Shrek] Oh, for the love of Pete! [Donkey (as Bart) falls down. Shrek (as Homer) bursts the doors open.] I object! [The bishop runs away in fear.]
 * Artie: [as Farquaad] Oh, now what does he want?

Quote 28

 * Homer: [as Shrek] Fiona, I need to talk to you.
 * Mindy: [as Fiona] Oh, now you wanna talk? Well, it's a little late for that. So if you excuse me.
 * Homer: [as Shrek] But you can't marry him!
 * Mindy: [as Fiona] And why not?
 * Homer: [as Shrek] Because…because he's just marrying so he can be king!

Quote 29

 * [After Mindy (as Fiona) turns back into ogre form]
 * Mindy: [as Fiona in ogre form again] That's better. Problem solved.
 * Homer: [as Shrek delighted] Well, uh, that explains a lot. Thanks, Farquaad.
 * Artie: [as Farquaad] Eww! It's disgusting!

Quote 30

 * [Homer (as Shrek) avoids the guards and decides to whistle and call out for Dragon.]
 * Artie: [as Farquaad with last lines] I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have… [Dragon breaks the window into the wedding, eating Farquaad (as Artie Ziff)].
 * Donkey: [as Bart] All right, nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on edge! [Dragon burps, a crown comes out.] Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? [The crowd applauses.] Go ahead, Shrek.

Quote 31

 * [Thelonious writes "Awwwww" on a cue card to the audience watching them kiss.]

Quote 32

 * [Dragon breaks the window with his hand.]
 * Homer: [as Shrek] Fiona? Are you all right?
 * Mindy: [as Fiona in ogre form] Yes, but I'm supposed to be beautiful.
 * Homer: [as Shrek] But you are beautiful. Even Donkey. [camera pans up] He always want to visit Lord Farquaad's place and his wedding place. That's my donkey.
 * Bart: [as Donkey] I was hoping this would be a happy ending.
 * [Bart (as Donkey) watches Homer (as Shrek) and Mindy (as Fiona) kiss again as Homer (as Shrek) breaks the 4th wall with his hand, blocking the screen, and the song "I'm a Beliver" plays]

Quote 33

 * [Bart (as Donkey) wears sunglasses before the credits roll]
 * Bart: [as Donkey] Oh, that's fun. Oh. Oh. [The screen fades to black.] I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
 * [The ending credits start rolling as the song "Stay Home" by Self starts to play. Other songs play as "Best Years of Our Lives" and "It is You (I Have Loved)" in the ending credits. When the credits are over, the Gracie Films logo appears playing normally, cut to black screen with font "IN ASSOCIATION WITH" then cuts to 20th Century Fox Television logo with News Corporation byline, ending the movie.]